You never know who will help you on your journey

Today, I’m headed to Houston to spend time and help my sister from another mother move. Almost 2 hour drive at 0 dark thirty gives one a lot of time to think. Most times that’s bad for me, today, it gave me time to process some things that happened yesterday.

 About 3 years ago, I met a friend. I didn’t realize at that time how important he would become in my life. I remember many Sundays at the back of Iron Legion we working on different skills, usually lifting, just quietly in each other’s presence. I believe a shared pain connected us, though at the time I didn’t know it. Chad is the 1st person who knows the breadth of my childhood abuse and trauma.  And I think that was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, first time I’ve cried for me.  Many know I was abused, no one knows how much. I was in a very dark place last Saturday, I do believe I was at a crossroads. I had 2 choices to make, I could choose healing and light and love, or I could choose darkness. I reached out, I opened up. I found a kindred spirit, and support. I’m still processing that. I’m sure over my journey, I will be leaning on him more and more, and I’m fighting the self talk that tells me he really doesn’t care, he’s just saying those things. Yesterday, he posted the below image on his Instagram. I feel he was talking to me, damned near made me cry at work(thanks Chad). But when I’m weak, I will refer to this.

The 2nd person to come into my life is more recent. He replaced a coach I loved dearly. I’m not going to lie, I was pissed, and ready to fight him. He broke that in about 3 barbell classes....lol. There is something about his energy, that shuts down the noise, even if it’s just for that hour. Varg posted this on his blog yesterday, https://vargfreeborn.com/2020/06/ and god did it hit me in the gut, he could have been writing this about me. You see everyone tells me how dedicated, how driven I am, truth be told, I’m burying the pain, the noise, the feelings under different pain, hiding, running from the demons. He also told me, that all this will get you is tired, and those demons are ready to fight and stronger than ever. He’s right. I’m bone tired, I can’t run anymore. It’s time to stand and fight.

 I guess I’m writing this to thank them both for their support and belief in me. One day, hopefully soon, I will repay that faith in me. Right now this blog will be shared privately, however in the near future, it, and future posts will be very public, my hope is my story, past, present, and future will help someone.  Maybe it’s another adult survivor, maybe it’s a child or teen suffering, or maybe it’s an adult that sees something that raises the hairs on the back of their neck, and they help that child.  I’m, for the first time in my life, telling people what I need from them. Maybe I’m over sharing, but it’s time for different. I can’t do this anymore, there are two options, live or die. I choose life.